It was a Saturday morning, almost perfect clear skies and the sun was shining
brightly. Today was the Jefferson Swim League Championship and my little brother, Owen or Owee was swimming 25 butterfly and 25 freestyle. I came a little late so sad to say I just missed him swim fly, so I made sure I would see him swim freestyle because he is one of the top 5 in his age group. I walked around waiting till his number was called and so I went in and made sure I had a good view. The first heat went and they got like 27 seconds, 28 seconds and then 2nd, 3rd, 4th, till it was the last heat. I was thinking in my head Owee u r my boy, my bro u better get first. My heart is beating slowly just getting ready to be beating fast and the they judge says take your marks……. beep. The race starts he jumps in about 3rd he is kicking fast and pulling those arms to make him go fast. I’m yelling go Owee go, go Owee go, kick those skinny legs. About a quarter way through the race he was half a body length behind and I’m still yelling, watching him trying to be first. At the half way mark he was about neck in neck with the person in first. I’m thinking to myself I think he can, I think he can win this race, kick those tiny feet. So he is in the final stretch a little bit ahead of the guy in second place. I’m think he better win this race come on you got this. Where they touch I couldn’t see so I was touch first touch first and the results come up on the big screen 1st place lane 6 and I went off I said “that’s my boy I knew he could win boo yah”. So I went down to where he got out of the water and threw him a towel because he was always saying I’m cold after each time he got out of the water and said to him “Owen you got first, that’s my boy. Good job Owee!!”. I came back up and I saw Huck my step father there and said “Did you see Owen swim that was amazing” I replied “yeah that was sick I thought he would be either first or second”. Owen came upstairs after about a minute or two and I said “that’s my boy, first place” and then I picked him up. That was one of the happiest days I had over the summer.
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Your very first sentence has structure issues.
Check the whole thing for comma usage. There are several places you need them that you don't have them.
This sentence is not working, "I walked around waiting till his number was called and so I went in and made sure I had a good view."
Lets try to stay away from "text message-ease" unless it is being used for a purpose. "Owee u r my boy, my bro u better get first."
When you're taking/yelling, put it in quotations.
There could be two or three sentences here, not one: "The race starts he jumps in about 3rd he is kicking fast and pulling those arms to make him go fast."
You use a large number of thoughts. Make them distinct in some way. Perhaps italisize them.
I love the connection you have with your brother. I want to know how old he is. I want to know what he looked like when he got out of the water. These would be good details.
Each time there is a dialogue shift you need to start a new paragraph.
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